Ken B Wild
Bunny The Killer Thing Review: 'Hard', to(o) Finnish
Dir: Joonas Makkonen
Release Date: 2015
“A group of Finnish and British people get stuck at a cabin when they are attacked by a creature that is half human, half rabbit...”
I shall pretend that this is an Easter related review as it has a rabbit in it but you will soon see that it really isn't.
Maybe the minimalistic title is actually a device to make you further concentrate on the hard-hitting and symbolic themes the movie deals with. Well, no! Not at all
Fun Fact: This is actually a remake of short film with the same title
This film is about a sex-crazed man/rabbit with a massive penis and insatiable sexual appetite which results in a non-stop frenzy of rape and slaughter. Happy Easter, right?
If you've read the above and watched the trailer, you may already be thinking that this not a movie for everyone. You are most certainly correct.
It's a gore soaked mutant rape movie with childish dialogue and offensive behaviour all round. Naturally, I thought it was great fun and am recommending it to you all.
Fun Fact: The tagline is 'Coming soon after YOUR pussy'.
We open with some wild eyed lunatic taking his girlfriend up to a cabin in the mountains of Finland for some shenanigans. We don't really know who they are and it doesn't matter.
They are stopped in their tracks by some ski-masked hoodlums who taser them instantly. Unfortunately, this makes the girl to start convulsing. Even more unfortunately, they treat her by shotgun blasting her head off in the first of many gore effects. 2.5 minutes in.
They take the man to a shed where a guy who looks like a child of Phil Collins and Greg Wallace from UK Masterchef and a long haired dude who inject him with some serum for reasons unknown.
He convulses, his eyes turn red and he breaks free from his restraints, knocking everyone out before escaping into the woods. Sorted, no messing.
We meet a couple of guys sharing a beer and some chat while a younger brother (?), Jesse, is cracking one off in the bathroom over a photo (from a newspaper it looks like) of a character we are yet to meet.
Fun Fact: I watched this on Amazon Prime where no subtitles were available which seemed unusual and disappointing as there are a lot of sequences where they speak only their native Finnish. This may well mean I missed a lot of the 'humorous' dialogue but seriously missed a lot of who these people were.
Regardless of that, the guy with the beard, 'Mise', is my favourite character.
We have some female characters too.
Sara is the self obsessed 'slut' stereotype, Nina is the wholesome one (and the one in the photo from previous scene) and Emma is wearing a mask as she is self-conscious over spots.
There's another guy as well called Tuomas, I think, who looks a bit like Napoleon Dynamite's brother. None of these people are couples which makes a nice change. Oh yeah, one of them is driving an ambulance (?!)
We get a couple of cops who look like they are sporting some superb mullets under their hats but sadly never reveal their splendour. To be honest, I actually believe they may well have heavy metal long hair which is also superb.
We get another kill now when the woman at the store they stopped at to buy beers gets her leg ripped off (blood hose) and raped as she closes up. Never work the late shift!
As our group continue, they meet three British guys, one Indian (Lucas), one black (Tim) and one Irish Chinese (Vincent). Great credit to the diversity team there. They are stranded and Sara inexplicably invites them to follow them to the cabin for the night.
As an added bonus (but ultimately pointless) these 3 have someone restrained in their trunk. Oh, and Jesse has stowed away in the ambulance and tagged along.
Mise asks if he can call Tim 'Mr Black' if he calls him 'Mr White'. Classic Finnish humour I guess. He agrees anyway.
We can skip now to when Bunny the Killer Thing arrives again and chases Tuomas because he has a kind of vagina shaped logo on his shirt.
We also get the first glimpse at the massive penis the Bunny is packing which he windmills at every opportunity and his clever catchphrase of "PUSSY!"
Tuomas finds his way to a nearby cabin where a guy who looks a bit like him is hosting a party with some naked and underwear clad ladies.
Sadly, the Bunny Thing follows him, bursts in and windmills his dick as they all flee back into the woods while he follows, on the rape.
Back at the cabin, Sara (in between being sexy and sick) is hooking up with Vincent the Chinese Irishman, Nina stamps on a squirrel and Jesse is masturbating with Nina's underpants on his face.
It really is all go here.
Jesse hides in the closet when Sara is brought in unconscious and placed on the bed and, before he can escape, is forced back in when Nina enters the room..
Nina, far from actually being the wholesome one, rapes the unconscious Sara until hearing Jesse in the closet. It certainly surprised me.
Emma's getting it on with Jari but the dialogue is all in Finnish so I don't know what they're talking about
Tuomas, mid chase, throws his boxer shorts at the Bunny Thing due to them also featuring the vagina logo. He escapes into the road.
As is customary, he is immediately mown down by the cop car who were en-route to assist. After his penis somehow smashes through the windscreen, it is severed and the beautifully haired cops crash and burst into flames.
Mr Black kisses Mr White in a surprising but irrelevant plot twist while the Bunny Thing attacks and kills Emma. I think he shouts, "Dirty pussy", at this point but his voice is so distorted that I am guessing at all of his dialogue even though it was in English.
Lucas gets his face impaled on a nail (right in the eye!) while Jari gets his dick bitten off in another gory blood hose effect.
Mr Black and Mr White get back to the cabin where they cleverly just gather the beers ready for their escape. This seriously made me like them even more.
Jesse sees what's happening and sets to making some sort of crossbow which fires beer cans which is incredibly wasteful but I suppose it's an emergency so I'll cut him some slack.
Nina throws Vincent to the Bunny Thing while it windmills its dick again. It smacks his head against the door and chases the ladies
Lucas is still alive and jumps in the car with Messrs Black and White.
He falls out of the car and gets his eye socket fucked by Bunny Thing. Bad day for Lucas.
While Nina molests Sara under a car, Jesse and Vincent walk out the back door armed with crossbow and beer cans. Sadly, the 1st shot kills another cute squirrel and the second slams into Vincent's throat - Blood hose!!!
Nina is dragged from under the car and raped to death while Sara escapes in a car.
Speaking of cars, Mr Black and Mr White are arguing about what is in the trunk of the car they have escaped in (remember I mentioned that?) until they pull over at the wreckage of the cop car.
It turns out that he has Lara Jessica Svensson in the trunk! No fucking way!? How? What? Why? AND WHO?
I think she is supposed to be a pop star as Jari was watching a video of her earlier on. Well, her dialogue is all in Finnish and Mr Black looks as confused as I was when she spoke to him.
Turns out the place they were supposed to take her is just around the corner but they get interrupted again by Sara arriving quickly followed by old windmill dick himself.
For all you fans of windmilling prosthetic penises out there, you are treated to a slow motion spinneroonie here which is a real bonus.
While Bunny Thing is roaring, Sara grabs his dick and pulls it off....
As in literally removes it, no sexy stuff.
She then smacks him around the face with it in slow motion accompanied by some grandiose music before ramming it into his eye, thus killing him.
No time to celebrate as they are immediately tasered by the ski-mask 3 from earlier.
There is a rabbit in a cage. A normal, real rabbit.
The 3 awaken bound and gagged while Phil Collins/Greg Wallace is unhappy about something. Possibly a gruelling Tour schedule, possibly a disappointing soufflé but he does shout Lara Jessica Svensson before shooting orange ski-mask in the head.
Two hillbillies arrive and start rubbing a carrot while they are promised Sara as a substitute for the pop star.
Mise has his eye knocked out by a rifle butt but loops the stalk around the bad guy's neck which causes him to shoot a hillbilly before smashing his own face through a toilet bowl.
Still with me here?
Tim breaks free, knocks Phil/Greg to the floor before unleashing an enormous penis of his own and knocking him out with a mighty swing.
Mise and Tim almost share another kiss but Mise says "I'm going to save the rabbit", and the moment is gone.
An off screen death for Phil/Greg as the trio emerge, with rabbit, and head to another building they can hear noise emanating from.
Some sort of Bunny Thing orgy is happening. Anyone guess that?
Well, Sara and Tim open fire and shotgun the whole room which is probably for the best before chasing one guy outside and Sara blasting his head off in a final explosive effect.
They then walk away in a lovely scene with the CGI mountains behind them as the Sun comes up while some more rousing music plays over the top.
We see the Bunny Thing's severed penis stump while I think he's still saying "Pussy", but this time in Norwegian. We then get to see another Bunny Thing which I assume is saying "Dick" or something as it is a FEMALE! Sexy, right?
To balance all of the penis shots, we now get a close up of a prosthetic pulsating vagina which is somehow far more disgusting than the penis ever was.
Fun Fact: No actually, after 4 minutes of credits, there's another 4 minutes of Jesse being found in the woods by a hunter in furs, being taken back to his cabin to be introduced to his daughter who strips naked for him. Apparently a prophecy or some bullshit.
Why could I not see any subtitles in this film?
What was Phil Collins/Greg Wallace's actual end game here?
Was it the cheapest costume at the shop?
What the Hell happened to Lara Jessica Svensson?
Will we get a sequel?
Wouldn't a female Bunny Thing rapist require an already erect penis to rape?
Would you though, guys?
Is this the best Norwegian movie about a huge dicked killer rapist mutant rabbit?
The movie is currently available on Amazon Prime.
Mise played by Jari Manninen. Just a beer loving kind of man child. And he did save that rabbit.
Windmilling with the Bunny Thing.
Bunny Thing: "PUSSY!"
Lucas having his eye impaled on a nail and then raped in the socket hole. (What?)