Dir: Howie Dewin (Possibly a false name...)
Release Date: 2015
“A killer llama from outer space crash lands on Earth and brings death and destruction to everyone in its path”
Well, well, well, where to begin with this one. It is as good as it sounds.
The acting is awful, the dialogue is childish, the special effects are far from special and the best thing about it is a llama they CGI-ed some red laser eyes onto.
Then again, if you go into a film called Llamageddon thinking it would be anything else, you are entirely to blame. So here we go…….
It actually starts quite promisingly with some animation and a Metal instrumental track. It shows us the llama on its home planet being sent out in a ship (animal transportation trailer) only to be diverted to Earth by a passing meteor.
We cut to real life footage of a farm, meet some human characters and it all goes downhill from here. A bored looking couple tend to a tiny area of vegetables and see the llama. They assume it is their neighbour’s and think no more about it as it's starting to rain. That night, the llama has somehow got into their house and their bedroom before they finally wake up. We see a llama shaped shadow, hear a llama noise (at this point of writing, I searched for a llama noise to fact check the accuracy of it. To my surprise, they actually seem to have gone pretty close to the real thing) and we see some blood spatter.
Next day, people in white coats are wandering about in the field of the crashed ship/trailer and a very small helicopter lands. A guy who looks like he just came from a private tennis club gets out, says, “My Goddddd. Let’s get this back to base”, jumps back in his tiny helicopter and fucks off, never to be seen again.
Mel and Floyd are introduced now and they are destined to irritate the viewer for the rest of the film. They are brother and sister and supposed to be teenagers I think. They are on their way home from their grandparents’ funeral who were apparently the couple killed in the opening scenes.
Mel and Floyd’s mother inexplicably appears to be the same age as the newly deceased grandparents with their dad looking older than all of them (we get to see the dad in horrible close up making sex noises due to missing the funeral).
Floyd appears to be mentally backwards and Mel shows attitude and they are charged with looking after the house of the deceased.
They see the llama with glowing red eyes and just carry on with being annoying - hitting new heights when the mother mentions Floyd wetting the bed.
His line of, “But Mommmmmmm, you said you wouldn’t tell anyone!” made me want to punch his stupid face and the sickening close ups of their faces as they whine to each other made me feel like throwing up.
This is not the last time the film irritated me to the point of violent thoughts.
Well, their Mom leaves them so Mel immediately plans a party. Floyd continues to be a dick and whines, “If anything happens or if it gets too crazy in there or if anything happens, I’m calling Mom.”.
“You can’t live up Mom’s ass forever”, Mel quips back, which I suppose is a true statement, and we get an overly long montage of her inviting lots of people to the party.
Back at the crash site, one guy (apparently a scientist) seems to struggle to even speak let alone examine extra-terrestrial technology but he presents another scientist (?) with a large furry egg which they also mention about getting back to the lab to examine. We never see these guys again either or get any info regarding the lab results and who really cares, right?
We cut back to the party which is in full swing with anything up to 8 people in attendance and them all clearly just being the idiots who made this film.
We have a stoner guy who looks like Shaggy from Scooby-Doo, a guy in a Metal t-shirt (his beard comes and goes in a few scenes), a hippy chick, a few extras and a black guy called Dan who changes his shirt with each new scene/edit cut which I originally thought was just poor continuity but actually turned out to be deliberate and, though protracted, it seems like a lot of effort, so well done to Dan.
They have a forced conversation about The Evil Dead films like they needed to prove they were genre fans and Dan speaks to Mel about getting Floyd laid. When they mention sex, some saxophone music plays and they inexplicably just start to dance in the doorway. Again, this goes on for too long and there really is no reason for it as it is most unamusing.
Mel sends texts to a driving friend and the messages appear on screen. They both ‘hilariously’ read them on the screen as well and don’t look at their phones. The llama appears in the road, walks up to the car and lasers Sarah to death in a car fire. The last texts reads, “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!”.
Metal-shirt goes out for a piss and sees the red eyed llama, gets spooked and heads back inside where people assume he is seeing things due to their smoking.
Shaggy says, “I’ll pack a bong for you”. He then stares at the camera for 5 seconds because he said it like “ALPACA bong for you” and they must have been soooooo proud of that one.
I guess I’ll let them have it.
Some other guy argues with his girlfriend and heads outside. He has his fingers bitten off by the llama and then somehow has a hoof smash through his chest and his heart flies across the yard hitting his girlfriend on the tits. We are then ‘treated’ to some fake hooves punching the girlfriend in the face with classic punch sound effects and some hands in socks ‘stamping’ on her face as she hits the ground. She is now also dead and is dragged away somewhere for some reason.
Mel’s boyfriend, Trent, arrives and he has a close up power handshake with Dan, some others mention a hot-tub, Floyd heads upstairs with some female, Mel goes upstairs with Trent and we get more saxophone and some close-ups of tongues wiggling about in another attempt to be funny. After this overlong skit, Floyd announces, “I’m a man now”, in a deeper and less annoying voice and we move on again.
Meanwhile, in the hot tub, nobody notices as a llama wanders in and pushes a conveniently placed stereo into the water and electrocutes almost the entire cast. They twitch about for about 2 minutes, during which time 2 girls walk into the room, see them all twitching about and step into the water anyway and subsequently also get killed.
Not sure why that happens to be honest just thought it was worth mentioning.
After discovering everyone is dead, Floyd takes charge with some sarcastic put-downs to Mel, who changes her tune totally and declares, “Just go and crawl back up Mom’s ass, okay?”. That’s like a total reversal on her previous mentioning of her Mom’s ass, there’s just no consistency with Mel.
The llama finally arrives with its glowing eyes and people run away in slow motion. Not the camera, they actually run in slow motion.
Thankfully, the llama doesn’t give a shit and blows them up with some more laser eyes/CGI shenanigans. Blood is thrown over the others (quite badly as well) and Trent is very sick.
Dan appears to be untouched by blood or vomit and Trent takes a full-on green spit from the llama to the face which makes him scream and his eyes start to glow red. They run through a field with the llama wandering about in seemingly unattached footage while fireworks go off to symbolise more eye laser blasts.
Trent is mutating and, after Floyd’s new girlfriend explodes, he gets an animation scene where some shit happens to him involving the llama (we later find out it has impregnated him) which they couldn’t afford to show us in real life.
Dan, Mel and Floyd find the craft/trailer and Dan pulls out a ‘space stick’ which appears to be a baseball bat wrapped in tin foil. He smashes a laser beam away with it and, now with a Captain Kirk Star Trek shirt on, gives us a bullshit speech about their friends not dying in vain and vanquishing the enemy before exploding in a CGI blast from the llama’s eyes.
Mel and Floyd hide in the barn while their dad turns up after they called him earlier. He sees a blast, grabs his shotgun and mutters something like, “Damn kids and their laser beams. Fucking Bigfoot!” and sets out to take a look around.
We find Trent in the barn, still mutating and by that I mean he has furry gloves on and some fake ears, and seeming to be giving birth to a large furry egg like the one we didn’t care about earlier. The dad finds him, Trent says, “Killllllll meeeeeee!”, so the dad blasts his head off with his shotgun.
The egg starts to hatch into small baby llama puppets so he also blasts them with his shotgun.
The llama isn’t happy with that so he starts firing his laser eyes about the place while the dad starts slowly rolling around on the floor and shoots back without the gun making any noise.
He gets to fist fight the llama with some awful punch sound effects and hooves on sticks POV from the llama.
The dad then does a bloody awful backwards roll (must have learned it from Rob Van Dam in 3 Headed Shark Attack) and is bitten in the throat by the llama.
After some shit chatting from Mel and Floyd as they hide in a field, the llama comes back into shot and stands in front of a combine harvester with the usual red eyes business going on.
The dad isn’t dead! He fires up the combine and we get some neon green CGI spatter and fire shooting from the llama eyes until it gets sucked into the combine blades and is finally dead.
Their dad lies on the ground, also finally dying but manages to tell them both, “Mel, I want you to know you were always my favourite”.
This seems perfectly reasonable as Floyd was a totally annoying strip of shit when we started out.
And that seems to be the end unless you want to sit through a rap theme song which states, “Llamageddon! Llamageddon! It’s a llama Armageddon motherfucker!”, while the entire film plays again in superspeed.
The title of this film tells you everything you need to know about this so, if you still watch it, you must be held accountable for your own actions. It isn’t very good. It should have been a 20 minute short which may have been more amusing without outstaying its welcome but there you go. A red eyed llama killing unlikeable idiots is the best way to describe this effort.
Good luck out there.
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FAVOURITE CHARACTER: : Dan I suppose and his dedication to constantly change his shirt
FAVOURITE MOMENT: Opening animation and Metal track
FAVOURITE LINE: Whatever gibberish the scientist painfully delivered near the beginning. Just the way he struggles to say it, not the actual content, which is bullshit.
FAVOURITE DEATH: : Drunk girl waking up and heading outside only to vanish in repeated blood hose on door. You don’t see anything but it’s far better than any of the deaths you actually DO see.